Two feelings at once?
They’re both valid.
This was originally published while working as a doula - June, 2016
Postpartum feelings…. those big ones that tend to hit you unexpectedly. The tender and raw ones that make you pause and think, "I don't understand why I feel this way!" Being a parent continues to teach me a lot of things, but almost nothing more pronounced than the fact that we can have two completely opposing feelings at the very same time. Wild.
It can be hard to wrap your mind around feeling both grateful and elated, but also overwhelmed and anxious. How is it possible to feel love and fear or joy and sadness at once? Becoming a parent can really rock your world. Society’s image of new parenthood is joyful and calm (cue the image of parent and baby wearing white in a meadow), but what happens when yours doesn’t look or feel that way? Many become isolated or ashamed in their feelings, thinking they have failed parenting or they are the only ones with these thoughts.
You haven’t failed. You’re a new parent who likely doesn’t have adequate support. You’re someone who is meeting their healing pospartum body - you may not recognize yourself. You may be struggling with the pressures of how to feed, how much to hold, and where to sleep your baby - this is nothing like any of the books you read and everyone has differing opinions. You’re tired, so so tired. If you’re struggling to be kind to yourself, know that you’re not alone.
New parents so often hear, “You must be so overjoyed,” or, “Enjoy it, this is the best time of your life.” I get it, the desire to shout a warning to all new parents that time with your child (eventually) does fly. The high end of parenthood is high - the joy, the LOVE, but there are just as many hard days, too. And the beginning? The beginning is wildly tough for almost everyone.
The myths surrounding the time of welcoming a new baby are deep and often go undiscussed. A lot of families have a large transitional phase, which include feelings and thoughts that aren’t shared for fear of being judged. These feelings are often intrusive and unexpected, and as new parents we’re underprepared for them. Many don't realize that the postpartum period is not 6 weeks when your care provider may clear you as “fully healed”, or 12 weeks when the ‘4th trimester’ is over. Postpartum, the transition and emergence of your identity as a parent, takes a lot of time.
Those raw and honest feelings that perhaps you feel ashamed of - you’re not alone in them. The love and connection to your baby, but also the positively sleep deprived, anxious, sad, overwhelm. Did you ever hear another parent say, "Are you wondering what you've gotten yourself into?" Or, "When I had a baby, there were times I wanted to hide under the covers." Probably not. There are so many people that don’t know it’s not only okay, but normal to have these fluctuating or simultaneously opposing feeling. My wish is that they know their feelings are valid, and that support is available.
I don’t want to be someone who ages into parenthood and forgets this stage of transition, possibly the biggest threshold you'll ever cross; to ever say ‘these are your best days’ to someone. Maybe they are, or maybe they’re not. Maybe they are in hindsight when you've had the time and space to adjust and reflect. No matter how you feel, you are a good parent, your child is lucky to have you, and your feelings are valid. Let’s give space and support to live in this place of vulnerability. Your honesty will likely spark and connect to someone else's. As humans we are capable of having so many feelings. Sometimes so many opposing feelings at once.